Blog - August 2021
I turned old this month
Thursday, August 5, 2021 - We Were Young
Hi. I just wanted to tell you all a story about what happened today. Devon and I saw eachother which was really pretty great as I don't see her very often and she's a very dear friend. Now, I write this story knowing it's very personal, but I don't think enough people see this page to really worry. But, we went to Bardstown and had a fantastic time, she got me some chap stick, it smells like apple and it's really sweet. But, that's not the story so I won't bore you. The story sort of starts with a song I wrote called Grad. I remember one night we were texting eachother and I got this sudden wave of emotion. It was like the song wrote itself. Like a big feeling of, "I don't ever want to lose this thing that I've got."
So, I started hyping this song up to Devon almost immideatly (can't spell, too lazy to check). I even recorded a real studio version for my album. But on the ride back, I asked if she wanted to hear it, she said yes. So, we get home and I spent literally 10 minutes trying to find my capo, I end up settling for an exacto knife and a hairtie. And then, I said, "This is a song about friendship, and it could be about anyone, but it's not about anyone, it's about you. I was so nervous I kept my eyes closed the whole time, and when I opened them she was crying. I had to really fight to not be cryingas well. We hugged and she said something that really struck me. She said, "You know your my best friend, right?". And I countered with, "Did you know you're mine? I probably say that a lot". But I realized that I really didn't say that as much as I should. It was just so emotional.
I've never felt that with anyone else, where I just always want them to know how important they are, even if it's just to someone like me. I think to have that comfort I felt today is something very few get to have, and I'm incredibly lucky. Jesus, I'm lucky. I've never known anyone who can make me feel so deeply happy. I will never ever forget that, I'll never forget any of this. Devon, you said to let you know when I finish writing this, so I'm gonna use the rest of this blog as an excuse to make up for the shabby letter I wrote you today. I just want you to know that I'll always make time for you, you're truly such a fantastic friend and I'm so lucky that I can love and be loved in return by someone so fantastic. I'm really tired, so I hope that's not showing, but every word of this is true. Love you!
Tuesday, August 3, 2021
Hi. I'm sorry I haven't been very active, I just kinda didn't have a lot to say for a long time. I can't promise I'll find much to say. I just tell what I can when I can, ya know? Right now is a weird time. Lot's of change going on around me. A lot of my friends are leaving for college soon, so that's something I've been thinking about a lot. I think the time between leaving high school and joining the real world is probably the strangest. It's like you just don't know what to do, and it seems like you're the only one, but you're not. Everyone else is thinking just the same thing.
This whole music thing is weird, too. It's like people assume I'm put together because of it, but I'm not. I'm just a guy. I go on walks, I listen to music, I collect old shit, and I live my life very privately. People take stuff like that as a sign of being together but really it's like the only other option is oblivion. I tend to hesitate talking about music on this page, but it's an inescapable part of me, I can't avoid it. I love music, but I can't try to seperate the art from the artist when the artist is me. People don't get that. I've got the incredible privilege of playing to hundreds of people and working with so many brilliant producers, artists, etc, but that's not all there is to it. It's lonely, it's sad, it's alienating.
Being who I am, people project onto me. I've had so many people who meet me and are like, "Hey man you know (X band I've never heard of), right?". There are more severe examples, but that one's the most common. But people see me and project traits on me, too. They expect the boisterous stage persona all the time, and they're dissapointed when they meet Syd Whitaker the quiet kid who likes buying CDs and posting on his blog. They think that that persona is real, but it's a persona for a reason! You can't live just being loud and funny all the time. You can't know me through my music, you have to know me through me myself. My closest friends met me through either High School or the internet. Never at gigs. Don't get me wrong I love that I have fans, but man it's tiring sometimes.
I think right now's just a confusing time. Like people are leaving and I'm slowly getting bigger in local scenes and it's just a lot. I'm an easy person to get worked up. I can't wait to settle in. I have this dumb little dream of my own little room with my Macintosh on a desk and stuff. Very much disconnected from all the modern shit. That stuff just isn't for me anymore, it feels like. Some people it can work for, but I'm not one of them. That's why I hand write all my lyrics nowadays. You shoulda seen the notebook I brought with me to the studio. It was huuuuge. Anyways, I'm done writing for the night, thank you for reading this if you do. Please shoot me an email here if you did. I'd love to talk to that kind of person. I'll leave you with some Whitman.
"Loafe with me on the grass, loose the stop from your throat, Not words, not music or rhyme I want, not custom or lecture, not even the best, Only the lull I like, the hum of your valved voice" Song of Myself, Section 5, by Walt Whitman (duh)